January 2011

Hope you had a good Christmas and a safe New Year's!

Why is Obama staring at the frozen orange juice can?
It said "concentrate"

This President is just not working.
I was driving home from work the other day, was stopped at a red light, and in front of me was someone with a Barack Obama bumpersticker. If you live in the US - especially the Bay Area, where I live - during the elections every second car seemed to have an Obama bumper sticker. When I saw this bumpersticker the other day it occurred to me that I hadn't seen an 'Obama' bumpersticker in a long time. Have you? (didn't think so)
Then yesterday, while stopped at a red light, the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that read, "You Can't Blame Bush Anymore."

Why did Obama cross the road?
Actually, he promised to cross the road, but then he didn't.

This is your President. The guy you put all your hopes behind. But you're still jobless, and your house is either in foreclosure or will be soon. Here's a good one: he recently took time out of his busy schedule to phone the Philadelphia Eagles to compliment them on giving Michael Vick a second chance. Michael Vick was the NFL quarterback sent to prison for two years for animal cruelty. Vick trained dogs to fight. He had a kennel in his backyard, and a grave pit for dead dogs. According to court records, Vick "approved of or assisted in" executing dogs that didn't fight well, and did so by drowning, hanging, electrocuting, or slamming them to the ground. This went on for at least 6 years.
Think about it, if this guy was your employee, and he did this to dogs, cats, his kids, his wife, would you give him a second chance? And if you did, what kind of shock would it be to receive a phone call from the President of the United States to pat you on the back and say, "Thanks for giving that guy a second chance."

Michael Vick is no longer allowed to own dogs but has recently asked for that to be dropped because he wants a new puppy. His request was denied.

This President is a huge disappointment. He'll go down in history as a massive failure and his Presidency is putting the world in jeopardy because it's making the right wing stronger, and you know what that means? Sarah Palin! That's right. That lunatic will be the next President and you can thank Obama for that because he promised the world, and delivered nothing. In the next election a ticket of Sarah Palin & Miley Cyrus will clobber Obama (unless he teams with Oprah, in which case it will be close, but Florida voters will seal the deal for Hannah Montana.)

Today it was announced that the US is sending 1400 more troops to Afghanistan. We can't win that war. Since Obama has become President, US casualties have doubled in Afghanistan, and missile attacks in Pakistan have also doubled. No wonder they hate us.

 

 

 

What do you get when you cross Einstein with Barack Obama?
E = MC Hammer

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Say it ain't so...

 

 

 

No way!

In Johnny Weir's new book, Welcome to My World, he's coming out of the closet. He's gay!

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One thing's for certain about this world: The crazy old bastard with the long white hair and sign that read, THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END was right all along. Check your weather. I don't know where you live, but wherever that is, I can guess that you've had some really jacked up weather lately. Floods, earthquakes, tornadoes, record highs & lows. Our weather in the Bay Area has been really fucked up -in the past month we've had 9 inches of rain.

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Ok, about that moving picture down there... (the one you can't stop looking at), here's what I'm thinking - I'm thinking:

"I went to the wrong high school."

But what you're thinking is, "Hmmm... looks a little young to me-"

That's understandable. Instead of thinking, 'that's interesting', the reaction is usually to think of something on a moral level, even without thinking, since we've been trained to think this way. That's fine. You think she's too young.

....but what I'm wondering is, if you think she looks too young, then how come you can't stop looking at her?

 

 

 

(still can't stop, can you?)

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(stop)

While we're on the topic, here's a famous image. Princess Kago at age 13.

 

 

 


Many years ago I began using this image as an avatar and a secret identity on the internet. My friends and family thought I was crazy.

"She's too young. She's kinda fat. Kinda ugly. Her head looks like a pumpkin."

I told them to wait - in ten years she'll have the last laugh.

It's been ten years.

Here she is now, at age 23.

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(is that moving image out of your site yet? how about another Obama joke...)

If you're thinking about renting Inception, you should reconsider. It's awful. It's a BFM (Big Fucking Mess).

Better try your luck with Triangle. A much better movie and it had a budget the size of DiCaprio's trailer.
And/Or, if you can handle subtitles, Revanche, which is the best movie I saw in 2010.

 

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The Gap recently changed their logo to what you see below. The backlash was so strong they removed it and went back to their old logo. Nevertheless, they did pay someone (an expert at Illustrator) to pull that new logo off, so as a challenge I worked my fingers to the bone to come up with something similar, and as you can see I got pretty close.

 

 

 

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Mig Porn:

Ok, so this is going to take some explaining, but I'll try to be brief because I know you have some important things to do other than read something that doesn't have anything to do with you. The good news is you're about to see something truly beautiful and spectacular - the bad news is, it's hard to explain what it is, and, it's not about you. (ok, I apologize, but I just got back from Facebook, and I swear to God, I don't know what anyone is talking about over there anymore. My nephew just detailed everything about his last bowel movement, and a 'friend' just declared that the last 40 years of his life were meaningless, and that today is the first day of the rest of his life. They should rename it to NarcissBook.)


Last month I made the argument that figure skaters, modern dancers and gymnasts are missing out in their presentations by not using contemporary music. Instead, they use music from Bach, or Handel, or someone else who's been dead for hundreds of years, when all they really have to do is look at what's on their IPod. I demonstrated this in a video last month.

This month I tackled figure skating in a two-part series. You can't see this on YouTube because it doesn't exist.

The first video is Kim Yu Na. If you're unfamiliar with the skating world in recent years you're in for a nice surprise. Kim Yu Na is the best of the best, and this performance is the best long skate of all-time. She's a Wayne Gretzy or Michael Jordan. Problem is, her music is old! It's not her fault. Someone else tells her what to use, when to spin, when to jump, and how high. The only figure skater I can think of who did things his own way was Toller Cranston, and he was screwed out of plenty of medals by skating judges because he didn't follow the unwritten rules of figure skating. But Kim Yu Na on the other hand, she's different. This kind only come around once or twice a century. So what would the judges do if she showed up with music that might be on her IPod and skated the way she does here? There's nothing they can do!

See for yourself, but don't watch either of these videos on drugs or you'll end up in a mental hospital.

Also, the first file is 100mb (the other is 50mb), so if you're on a slow connection or old computer your browser will stutter. It's a practical problem with 'movement' in flash files. Every frame needs to be re-rendered whenever there is a significant change to pixels onscreen. This is the case here, which explains why the file size is larger than I'd like. But if you have a good connection and a decent computer, you'll have no problems. Enjoy!

The workaround with these files is to press the Start button and then press the Pause button, and then wait a couple minutes. The video begins loading once you've pressed Start, and then gets preloaded into the browser. Once you've seen the progress bar go far enough, hit Play again and the video will play uninterupted. That's all I can suggest right now until I figure out the code. It's been a problem on the internet since forever.

 

Kim Yu Na skates to Soft Cell


The next one is more of the same - only much different! (for the record, I am not making fun of Peggy Fleming - she's awesome)


Peggy Fleming & Kim Yu Na skate to Matt Schaub & Marilyn Manson

 

(I warned you about the mental hospital thing.)

 

Thanks for visiting. Next month I'm taking on gymnasts. Plus, there might be an intervention in the works for Mig Rogers to treat his addiction to wearing torn & frayed clothing. And if I get around to it, a recipe for ribs that you can only get in the ghetto. Have fun!